Finding Victory

“I remember the first time I went to church as a single mom like it was yesterday. A church I had been a part of since I was a little girl now seemed so different.  I cautiously walked in looking around at familiar faces that I had known for years. I made my way to the back row sitting quietly fidgeting around wondering if I belonged there. I kept asking myself “what am I doing here” I just knew everyone was staring at me, my baby, and my empty ring finger. I went home in tears hanging my head in shame questioning God if I was good enough.” 

 I still remember this day like it was yesterday, but I look back on this day a little differently than I did when this was originally written. Since that day there has been redemption, forgiveness, and God’s grace ever so present in my life. The judgement that I thought was taking place that day was nothing but the enemy trying to pull me way from where I belonged.

For the past year I have felt God calling me back there saying, “Amanda get back to the place where you first met me.”  A dear friend who is like a brother has told me countless times, “Amanda you belong in a Baptist church, you are Baptist at heart and once you know the truth you won’t settle for anything else” “Amanda go back to that place.” Sometimes I feel this friend wanted to strangle me until I listened to him, because sometimes I can be a brat, and he knew exactly what my heart needed.

And so I did. I went back there. I went back to the place where I first met Jesus; the church on the hill that I know and love. I was anxious and didn’t know what to expect. Would people remember me after the few years that have passed? Would I feel the same judgement I thought was taking place years ago that caused me to leave? Would I feel like a spec in a crowd of people? Through the anxiety I obeyed God’s call and went. Almost immediately as I walked through the doors and stepped foot on that burgundy carpet I heard “Amanda it is so good to see you welcome back” as I saw a familiar face and received a warm hug. I heard similar things from different people throughout the day. “Amanda welcome home.”

As I sat there in the pew on the second row tears filling up in my eyes as Jesus met with me right there. “Amanda, my daughter this is where you belong.” He directed me a pew in the balcony, “that’s where you were sitting when I called you by name and drew you back to me when you were in high school. You still think of the sermon that was preached that day and still believe that it was for you.” He directed me to another pew, “That is where you sat after you found out you were pregnant. You cried that entire sermon as a friend held your hand and comforted you. I was right there holding you too.”  The altar, “Amanda that altar is stained with your tears as you have brought things to my feet over the years. Burdens you have faced in this life that I have redeemed and forgiven. Struggles you have faced that you have overcome.”  The choir, “Amanda, I speak to you through the music that is played here. Some of your greatest memories are of being part of the Young Adult Choir. You still listen to the CDs in your car because you miss it. Amanda, my daughter come back home you have a place here” When the sermon was over, my friend that I sat with hugged me tight and told me that seat would be saved for me every Sunday, and I will be there.

The judgement and condemnation I felt when I walked into church for the first time after having my son was nothing more than my own insecurities about my situation as an unwed single mother. I was never judged. I was never condemned. I was loved, and my son was loved, and we both felt that love yesterday. I found Victory in the church on the hill. The place that I love deeply. The place where I met Jesus when he reached down and called me by name. The place where I belong.

Remember that sermon that I often think back to. I will share part of my church notes from that day in March 2005 that spoke so deeply to my heart.

“Sometimes God will let you get crazier than a ding batt so He can move in, under gird you, and supernaturally take over in your life and show you that you don’t have any light in you. Then the light of God will reflect off your life and He will shine through you”  –Dr. R. Larry Brown

No matter the deviation, all things come full circle. You begin and end your journey in the same place, but with a different set of eyes. –Jennifer DeLucy